buckets of rain

I've been replaying two of my favorite Dylan songs lately. Over and over and over.

Buckets of Rain and Idiot Wind. I listen to them on my playlist like some kind of treadmill track in my head.

They speak to me and drive me in that poetic-this is what it is kind of lyrical mish mash that is Dylan. They are matching up to things in my life-things that are changing-things that are constant. And despite all of Dylan's semi lucidic (is that a word) blabberings he is one of a few poets who speak to me about life and things being what they are.

Buckets of rain buckets of tears got all them buckets coming out of my ears buckets of moonbeams in my hand... i aint no monkey but i know what i like... life is sad life is a bust all you can do is do what you must... you do what you must do and you do it well...

I feel like this song. I wake up every morning and I'm dying for that love of my life that thing I may never find again. I miss it so bad I could literally drink whiskey instead of hazelnut coffee for breakfast. I miss it so bad my teeth hurt. Buckets of tears. I get up. I make Chai tea for my son. We talk Steelers and Colts and linebackers. We talk about pushups and sprints and football training camps. We talk about the house he'll buy me when he makes the NFL. We talk about the car I'll buy him when I make my first million. We talk about surfing and our first real vacation to Hawaii. Buckets of moonbeams. I drop him off at school. Call my sister. Not going to make Thanksgiving. I can't deal with my parents right now. I won't. They are such a negative force that I find myself making choices. Sad choices. Choices that put me and my children first. Life is sad life is a bust all you can do is to what you must...I head to the gym and pound out all my frustrations on the smith machine. I do sit ups until I'm shaking. It's the best workout I've had in awhile. Now I'm home. I'm going to run and make calls and work on my Novel. And after that I'm going to waitress to pay the bills and be the best damn waitress you've ever seen. You do what you must do and you do it well.

And I do everything in my life well except for one place. Organizaion. I suck at this. In my life I've at times worked two jobs with 19 college credits as a single mom-got on the deans list made lots of tips. Couldn't pay a bill on time to save my life. Missed so many yearly inspections because I forgot that the town cop Rufas threatened to throw me in jail if I did it again. Yeah. It's bad.

Idiot Wind Someone's got it in for me... murgblurbmmmph... (can't understand that bit) their minds are filled with big ideas images and distorted facts... blowing down the back roads headin' south... you're an idiot wind... you're an idiot babe it's a wonder you still know how to breathe...

So I've accepted the cold ugly facts that I have to do this. I'm going to organize my office-my home. Did I just say that outloud? May lightning strike me now! Let me paint this picture. Yesterday my son and his father and I were in truancy court. Why were we in truancy court? Because mom-me forgot to turn in doctor's excuses for a broken clavacle and then later an allergic reaction to the pain meds. Idiot wind someone's got it in for me. And that someone is me! This was a wake up call that came just on the heels of reading a chapter in a book called making your first million in network marketing. Everything in there made sense till I saw the bit on getting organized. Shit. Hell no. Their minds are filled with big ideas images and distorted facts. My mind has been distorted in the idea that I can continue to be this mess that is me at home. I can't. How did I ever survive myself?

Arrested during finals for unpaid parking tickets... bouncing checks because I lost the deposit... missing soccer sign ups yet again... reffing a soccer game drunk because I forgot I was on the roster and it was my birthday... losing the football raffel tickets... again... having all five coaches on Pat's team call to remind me the time of the championship game because I got it wrong last time...You're an idiot babe it's a wonder you still know how to breathe.

So this morning I made a change to my morning routine. One hour for organizing household and paperwork. This is about all I can stand but I accomplished a great deal in that hour. Of course I no longer know who's doing what on facebook. I also don't know if Victor from the Young and Restless is still banging Ashley or if he's run away again. But it feels good. This change. Blowing down the back roads headin' south...